And Why I Started A Blog My metamorphosis from a high end Real Estate Sales Person to an online divorce real estate consultant was a gradual one. You see, for nearly twenty years , I have been listing and selling real estate in central Toronto. I am fortunate in that ...
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And Why I Started A Blog
My metamorphosis from a high end Real Estate Sales Person to an online divorce real estate consultant was a gradual one.
You see, for nearly twenty years, I have been listing and selling real estate in central Toronto. I am fortunate in that my friends and family have served as a reliable and supportive client base. Primarily through referrals, my business has flourished and I have been successful in one of the most competitive and lucrative markets in Canada.
However, over time I have seen my business transform from one that included young couples buying a starter home, families upgrading to a larger property and empty nesters downsizing to condominium living to an entirely different demographic - - divorcing couples.
Unintentionally, I found my clientele was increasingly made up of the couple unwinding their marriage, moving out of the matrimonial home and re-establishing their family in two new homes. More often than not, I have represented both the husband and wife in both the sale and the purchase of their new homes. Despite the inherent challenges, I pride myself on being
a discreet and level headed advisor during an emotional time.
I remember once reading that "death, divorce and moving" were the three most stressful events a person can experience. Thus, one can only assume that the combination of moving and divorce pack a particularly hard punch. No matter how many clients I had who were divorcing and moving, I never fully understood the impact of this until I was going through it myself.
My experience comes from the perspective of both the adult and the child of divorce. I have felt every emotion, experienced every nuance and shook with each speed bump on the road to moving out of my home as a child and much later as an adult.
Over time, my acquaintances and colleagues have causally sought my advice. Sometimes it is a manicurist who is discussing her failing marriage, a friend of a friend who shouts a question across a crowded Starbucks, or a stranger sitting beside me on the plane. All of these people have one thing in common--they aren't sure what to do or how. My sensitivity and
personal experience make me unique. This is what I bring to the table. This is what I can share with others.
It is my hope that I can provide some guidance and much needed support during this time and, ultimately, help dissolve your fears. This site may not be your only pit stop on this journey but I know it can the ride a lot less bumpy.
anonymous: Hi Cathy this sounds wonderful and a great concept. I love it!!! You are such a warm wonderful person anyone going through the sale of a matrimonial home needs lots of caring and hand holding. I wish you lots of success with your new website. Lots of love xo (3.5.11,5:09 PM)
Don't Make Promises That You Can't Keep An astute friend of mine put it best when she described divorce as "a series of moves". There is the first and most intimate of moves which occurs when one of the spouses moves out of the master bedroom. The next move occurs ...
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Don't Make Promises That You Can't Keep
An astute friend of mine put it best when she described divorce as "a series of moves". There is the first and most intimate of moves which occurs when one of the spouses moves out of the master bedroom. The next move occurs when one of the spouses move out of the house and the final move occurs when the house is sold.
We all know of cases in which the matrimonial home is purchased out right by one of the divorcing parties and only one of the spouses actually has to make a physical move. This scenario is highly unusual for financial reasons. The division of net worth and finances is a stark reality of divorce. Most people cannot afford to purchase the other party's interest as the matrimonial home is usually deemed to be owned by both spouses.
By the time a couple has decided to sell the matrimonial home, lawyers are involved, separation agreements have been signed and custody has been established. Yet, no matter how much discussion and preparation has happened to date, the actual listing of the matrimonial home is an issue onto itself.
Many of my clients request that showings be restricted to when the kids are in school and that no 'for sale' sign be put on the front lawn. There are pros and cons to having a sign on the lawn and, in most cases, the overwhelming belief that you cannot sell a secret prevails and the sign wins out. My advice is that, no matter what you decide, be honest and forthright with your children. Surprises and covert decisions are what make kids (and adults!) insecure and anxious. Give them plenty of time to digest the fact that they are moving and give them an idea of where and what type of home they will be moving into, but beware of giving them false promises.
Angie, one of my first divorcing clients, tried desperately to please as many of her three children as possible while still planning a reasonable move. Her youngest child, Scott, was fifteen when she listed her home. She made the mistake of telling him that they would move within an eight block radius of where they lived. As it turns out, he is an aspiring city planner and frequently reiterated the perimeters of their move to her. "Why eight blocks?", you may ask. Well, she had a carpool for many years and it was her goal to continue that carpool at all costs.
They actually found the perfect home nine blocks away and across a major intersection. Although it was fine with her to drive the extra block, the other members of her carpool balked at the accomodation and refused to cross a main street during rush hour. That was the end of that.
Fast forward two years and the carpool is a non-issue. Angie told me that in this, Scott's last year of high school, their drives with just the two of them, were often the hi-light of her day. In fact, for the first three months, he drove her while preparing for his driving test and now she is driving him while they talk about Scott's day and his choices for university. The end of the carpool was a blessing in disguise as she savors this year and quite frankly, what is surely the tail end of him needing her to drive him anywhere too often.
I really believe that we often make these concessions to our children because we are afraid of the change ourselves.
Be absolutely certain of what you're doing before you make any concrete promise to your kids. Be vague, if need be, but be sure to tell them that you have always taken care of their needs in the past and that you will continue to do so in this new family structure as well.
Your children need your love and for you to continue as much of the old routine as possible.Consistency and honesty are necessary more than anything else. Keep these basic principles and a relationship of mutual respect and peaceful coexistence will naturally ensue.
D'vora: Cathy, Fabulous website! Great advice! Looks colorful, professional and exiting. I love it! Will be visiting this site a lot and recommending to others! Best, D'vora (3.1.11,11:50 PM)
There is a new reality, and it bothers me from time to time. Like all good pop culture followers, I read People and Us magazine when at the beauty salon or on a flight. And, like the many others who partake in this junk food form of news entertainment, I ...
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There is a new reality, and it bothers me from time to time. Like all good pop culture followers, I read People and Usmagazine when at the beauty salon or on a flight. And, like the many others who partake in this junk food form of news entertainment, I am often faced with the fact that the old adage, "first comes love than comes marriage than comes (blank) in the baby carriage" is an antiquated notion among most celebrities.
More and more celebrities are having children first and getting married later. The irony is profound and one which I struggle to understand. Since when did marriage become more of a commitment than bringing another human being into the world?
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are arguably the most famous celebrity couple in the universe. Together they have had three biological children and have adopted three others. Yet, they still haven't made a commitment to one another. I'm confused. They are obviously sure that they would be good parents to these six children. They have gone to tremendous lengths to have them. Their dilemma arises as to whether or not they will stay together to raise them.
When the Jolie-Pitts are your role models, you are basing your actions on an unknown and negative future for your marriage. You are presuming that because most marriages end in divorce, so will yours. Howard Stern was interviewing the actor, Bradley Cooper the other day. Bradley was once married for a couple of months. As a result, the discussion revolved around whether some people know that their marriage is doomed on the wedding day. When Bradley asked Howard if he knew his marriage was doomed from day one Howard said, "No, I was married for 20 years"! He said this emphatically and proudly. His marriage was real even if it wasn't forever.
Divorce is a stark and common outcome of many unions. However, marriage still exists and those who get married do so, for the most part, with the intention of staying together for the long haul and creating a family together. What matters in committing to a marriage is the intention on day one.
Given this, I don't believe that the pain is any less great for the child who's parents separate if they were married or not. Most children are not aware of the minutiae of the divorce process, only the tangible impact a change in the family dynamic will have on their lives.
Maybe these celebrities believe that it will be easier to disengage if they were never legally wed. Whatever the case, a loving union that produces a child, becomes a family and the parental commitment to that family exists if there marriage certificate or not.
I can only imagine that monogamy is sadly doomed if we stop taking that leap of faith with the one we love.
mom: cathy your inate intelligence overwhelmes me, you make me incredibly proud, congrats on your web site, i am looking forward to reading more of your thoughts , i love you more than words can say, i will continue to follow with great interest your inner thoughts on this difficult subject yourempathy to others is so beautiful considering all the pain you have encountered yourselfin your young life may you only know happy days from hereon in your so very special and ajoy for everyone who ever has the pleasure of knowing you my love knows no boundries from your forever devoted mother (3.24.11,6:55 PM)
"Education is experience and experience is the essence of self-reliance." T.H. White ( The Once and Future King ) I love the above quote because it so aptly describes the CRITICAL difference about knowing something empathetically opposed to actually. Please allow me to explain. For many years I have helped ...
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I love the above quote because it so aptly describes the CRITICAL difference aboutknowing something empathetically opposed to actually.
Please allow me to explain. For many years I have helped people through the various stages of selling their home. I advised them as they divided their belongings, gave away what they thought they couldn't live without and eventually moved into their new home with a lighter abbreviated load. But until I had done it myself; until I had been faced with that enormous overwhelmingly emotional and daunting challenge, I had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.
Don't get me wrong. I know where to sell everything from your old prom dress to your vintage guitar. I know what charities will pick up what and I am familiar with numerous movers and packers . What I didn't predict fully was the large emotional toll it would take on me. There are inherent complications in terms of preparing yourself and preparing your family for the process of deconstructing your life.
What we don't realize is that over the years, large or small, our homes become a haven for copious amounts of junk. We seem to be able to fill every corner of our living space. We fill them with children's artwork. We fill them photos of special events and holidays. We fill them with nik naks we pick up from vacations and furniture we could never part with. The list is endless and so is the accumulation. We are a storage facility for our children, our relatives, and, naturally, ourselves.
Our house is quite simply a reflection of us. Therefore, when your are forced to take it apart and to reflect on all its contents and then to have to rate their importance and ultimately distribute them accordingly, you are being forced to face your past head-on. That is what is so incredibly difficult about moving and that is what I never fully comprehended until I was mired in the middle of it myself.
No matter how sympathetic I was before, and how much I tried to help others in the past, my knowledge was peripheral at best. Packing up your home can be heart-rending but it can also be therapeutic.
Please read my next blog post for stories illustrating this often neglected reality of moving and what steps you can take to make it a much easier and less stressful task.
Everyone who wills can hear the inner voice. It is within everyone. Mohandas Gandhi One of the most challenging aspects of divorce involves prioritizing your needs against those of your former spouse and children. To say the least, this is perhaps one of the most frustrating and least gratifying realities ...
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Everyone who wills can hear the inner voice. It is within everyone.
One of the most challenging aspects of divorce involves prioritizing your needs against those of your former spouse and children. To say the least, this is perhaps one of the most frustrating and least gratifying realities of divorce and separation.
About three years ago, a client named Brigette was referred to me. Brigette told me that she was involved with her personal trainer and that she was biding her time while deciding if and/or when to dissolve the marriage. Brigette and her husband had closed on a new home and they were just getting their kids settled into a new school. She was walking a slippery slope. While it was her preference to wait until the summer to tell her husband and then, eventually her children of her plans, the reality was that a mutual friend had seen her and her lover together and it was only a matter of time until others knew. This luxury of working out her feelings, seeking personal therapy and deciding what she truly wanted was short lived because there was a third party involved.
When she contacted me, it was merely to determine what the value of her home was following some cosmetic renovations. I am not a therapist so any advice I gave her was as a friend and a confidante. She was extremely concerned about her children's and her husband's reaction and I could see that she was suffering. As her agent, I told her the information she sought regarding her property. However, as her friend, I suggested that she consider acting sooner than later, and seek some professional guidance. Many break ups involve a third party and this fact often complicates the financial settlement and custody issues way beyond the norm.
Sometimes it is impossible not to let bitterness and disappointment to surface when considering your former spouse and dhow to move forward. But when you bring your children into the mix, all of the sudden you may have some clarity as to what makes sense and what truly matters. I have found that the second I think of my children, outrageous reactions and feelings immediately subside to give way to more rational and grounded ideas.
As for my client, she finally made up her mind to end her marriage for many reasons. Brigette's extra-marital liaison was a bold symptom of a failing marriage. Even though she ended the affair soon after our initial conversation that did not stop her from proceeding with the divorce. For this woman, as with others, she simply listened to her "inner voice' and acted accordingly while still considering those around her.
We may not change the reality of divorce but we can change the way we make decisions around it.
